For me. Just opened my eyes, waking up, and started to cry almost immediately. It's really sad when you love someone, you did things you never did before, you tried to show how much you love the person and tried to make the person happy... and the person gives you a damn *&#*! It's sad, no matter what people tell me "ah, don't be like this... you are an adult..." It doesn't matter how sensible I am. It's really sad and hurts a lot.
Trying to cope with that. It will take a long time.
I do wish a nice day to everybody!
And if you love... please make sure the other part also loves you. If you feel in the beginning (it means, 6 months) that not... cut it. Listen to me. Don't have hopes. Don't fool yourself. You will only suffer. Believe me!
I do wish eveybody to find love, but not only to love - also to be loved. I do wish this. I was always positive, optimistic, a "fighter" in a good sense, I always fought for the things I wanted.
Kisses to all!
Today T. is in Paris, attending the wedding of a friend. I invited him some other times to go to Paris with me, but he hates French people - yes, for a special reason, and doesn't want to give money as a tourist to France... but his friend is getting married in Paris... OK that he didn't want to go to Paris with me, but I would be soooooooooo happy if he would have invited me to go with him to this wedding... but I knew he wouldn't, because I'm a nothing for him - a friend, a friend who he doesn't write often and I know it(before he did... when he really liked me... I know he did.)
So why a friend like this would invite another friend who doesn't mean much to the wedding of a friend? No, of course not.
Instead, I imagine him laughing and talking to people, being charming the way he is... I never saw him so thin like now (accordinbg to his information on Friday, when we talked by chance, after 11 days he didn't write or talk to me, and this, after I sent nice messages - at least for me. For him of course the messages were a burden.)
So... of course he would never invite me. Silly me. Stupid me. When I had a wedding of friends in June... and they know him... they invited him... I was IN his appartment (for some days) and invited him... he declined. Of course. He didn't want to have anything to do with me, going to the wedding with me, maybe having pictures... no way... and after all I went to his place and told how it was... he said people would speak another language, but of course we would all speak English with him...
Anyway. Last week I apologized on the blog and to Hawaiian that I promised I would never talk anymore about him here, but Hawaiian understood me, as usual, and it's OK. Writing about him and the things that make me bad and sad these days may be the right thing to do.
Ok. I confess I am crying everyday. I confess I start my days crying. I mean, I wake up, drink some water, watch the news... around 8 something I start to cry. Then I don't cry for the rest of the day. I try not to.
This for one week.
On Friday, though, after some things we talked... It's getting worse, I thought it would be better, but not. I cried in the middle of the night. And yesterday morning and afternoon too. And today morning, afternoon and evening. It's that he asked me twice how I was, on Friday... I didn't want to answer because I thought "after I sent you some messages and you didn't answer, you ask me how I am, and now twice??? You are not interested in this, otherwise you would have asked before!"
So I said that if he didn't mind I didn't want to answer his question.
So then he immediately answered that he was tired and was going to sleep.
OK, I know he works a lot. But he has time for French classes, sailing classes, skating classes (what I brought him to!), gym, bars with new friends, the whole weekend, emails... only no time to ask me before this "by chance chat" how I am or was. For 11 days. It really doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive.
Then, after this, the guts to ask me how I am!
No wonder I didn't want to answer!
Now, I thought about sending him an sms, to say "have a nice trip back to London tomorrow, have a nice party in Paris now..."
But I won't send, I have my dignity.
He wouldn't like, of course. It would "destroy" his party atmosphere.
I really have to think if I start a new blog... but I like this name here... the problem is that I don't like negative energy... and maybe an "ex-something" (particular situation, he wasn't my boyfriend but said that I was his girlfriend - arrrghhhh!) of mine is reading this blog from time to time... a very very stupid bad person...(sorry, I seldom say this about people, but that one deserves, drove me crazy in a bad way for ages! I wanted to get rid of him and he always came insisting) to whom I may have done the same T. does to me... yes, I know I am paying for my sins... let's see up to when, if there's a time "heaven" says I paid enough and can smile again...
But I simply don't want this "ex"... not exactly a boyfriend, I said before, someone I "was" with (nooo, not exactly) for some time out of pity... I didn't want to be with him, such a clingy, not civilized person... anyway, this silly naive guy really tired me so much, and now maybe he is reading this and getting happy because I am suffering.
Well, I have to live with this.
Hi everybody, in case there's someone there who will read what I'm about to write... hahaha!
I guess since May I didn't write anything... I didn't feel like... I had good times and bad times, many trips, lots of happiness and also cried many times. I said I wouldn't write about T. anymore, but this whole time I was travelling to meet him, wishing with all my soul that we could be together; I finally discovered what love is, skated with him, travelled with him... felt like never before in my life and I thank life for having known T. He "gave" me the best time of my life, happiness like I never felt before.
I do love him a lot. And yet, I could never tell him this. Mainly because I know he wouldn't like to listen to it. Mainly because I know he doesn't love me.
Mainly because I'm so afraid for being far from him, in another city, accomplishing my studies... and that I fear he one day - if it didn't happen yet - finds someone he will really love. And if it is this way... well, there's nothing I can do.
I did all I could. I spent in a year an amount of money that lots of people don't earn in 2 years. I had a good time. I must say. Many times I was sad, this is also true. But nobody is perfect and relationships are also made of ups and downs, of course. This way we exchange points of views, so on.
Not bearing the way I miss T. anymore, I finally wrote him some messages saying this.
Friends out there and readers, no need to tell me the obvious. He didn't answer. So... yes, this is an answer itself.
And yet... it is like this. Nothing I can do. Just waiting for the days to end for me to sleep. And wake up and again waiting for the days to end again. I was never this way. I was always a cheerful, nice, lively person, very optimistic...
I am still this way, but... this time... after more than a year and a half only thinking and being with T. for a whole year... I know I can't love anymore.
Some guys approached me trying their luck. Even an ex-boyfriend of mine found me on internet... After I got to know T., I started to be honest to everybody.
NO, is my answer from now on. I don't want to meet any man, I can't give hope to anybody, I know it's not possible for me to be interested in anybody anymore.
I'm sorry, other people would say "oh, dear, of course you'll be interested in someone again, in the future..."
No, I won't. I know myself. It took long for me to find the man I wanted. Now... as I know myself... I also know HE is the one... what I always told everybody it didn't exist... but for me I saw that yes, there was the one. It's T. And now... I got the nice memories... and this isn't bad, is it?
At least I can say that I found the one for me!
He exists! I had the best time of my life with him! Happiness that I didn't even dream before it would be possible!
The way he kissed and hugged me, the way he smiled at me, the way I looked at him and got so happy to see his smile...
So now... I have my memories... and need to go on living... if this is living now what I am doing... it's not, for sure, but... well, I need to sleep and to wake up... and so I will do...
Good night everybody... I was glad to see that some friends are still on my page... please, don't worry about me. I just wanted to put these things out of my chest, because they were making me sad today... but I shouldn't be... I got to know him... and this is something nice to remember...
It's not even a month that I am back to Germany, but when I saw this on Internet... I felt all over again: I miss London so much! Soon I'll be there again. Please, don't misunderstand me, I love Germany. But one can love many cities at the same time, "innit"?
That was on April 30, 2009, Trafalgar Square (seufz, like I learned from Hawaiian!), a massive karaoke... very very nice, for T-mobile...
In the meantime, what am I doing? Studying, studying... as usual!
Have a nice week everybody!
I hope I don't write any post about T. anymore. Not that he did anything to me... well, a bit on Wednesday... although Tuesday was sooooooo marvellous... realy marvellous... I would say once, twice a week everything is beautiful... then once or twice bad... this rollercoaster... anyway, on Wednesday again T. repeated something that I even didn't think of anymore... but everything so present again... he still kept the same idea as in November... I felt humiliated... but at the same time I thought "guy, another one like me never anymore. No idiot would be with you. Maybe the first months... and then you would be the way you are... which doesn't really bother me for a while, but repeatedly... I am so sure no other woman would accept this way."
So, in order to keep my mind in a peaceful way... whatever comes, fine... whatever not, fine... I won't say "go to hell", because I am polite... but... my life is nice and beautiful and it will go on this way - nice and wonderful!
So, T., whatever comes I wish you luck and a nice time and life. Go fix your head, although I am sure you don't feel the need of, and then talk like a normal decent man. Not a sick one. Not someone who doesn't care about anything, just one person. Life is a combination of several things, which I told you and tried to show, but you don't want this combination, so, good luck. I want balance. And people say I am nice. Isn't this nice? Better to be seen as nice and caring!!! than... sick and careless.
I am sorry. He is a nice person when he wants. The problem is that he doesn't want to. He is proud of being... bad. This is not nice, so... as I said, good luck.
And a nice Easter for everyone! For you too, T.! You are lovely when you want! And made my life very happy for many months!
Anne Marie is now in London, since Tuesday. It's wonderful! She sends a message to Hawaiian and Glycerine... and all other friends... it was sunny yesterday... she got very happy this last week... and will be even more the next!
In the Greek nice house where she is, the lady cooks so well and feeds the family... she got 1,5 kg in a week... and will take care of this when back to Germany! (Sweat! Gym!)
Wishing everybody a wonderful Sunday!
(Sounds like a crazy post, but names are exclusively this way for protection!)
This first sentence goes to my sweet friend Hawaiian, who always supports me with good vibes: THANK YOU again and again! She gets happy for me when I am happy, and supports me sending good thoughts when I really need! Thank yooooooooooou! You are wonderful!
We have a mutual friend, Glycerine, who posted a song called "Perfect" - when I just entered here on blog.de I saw the post and was going to read it, but I saw I had a message as well and decided to read it first. It was Hawaiian recommending me the post by Glycerine, with the song.
The song says that if someone doesn't care, forget it. It has to be perfect otherwise, you will be the second best, this is not what we want for life, is it?
Anyway, I always tell and told... I have people who care for me... nice people, I am talking about, let's say, I'm not conceited, but it's just to give some guys a bit of attention and they would come running - they are just waiting for my sign. But then I would do to them what T. does to me. I want to love the person as well as the way they love me. But it simply didn't happen. I don't want to be a bad person and I don't want anybody to go through what I am going now. So I normally tell them what T. tells me. Amazing, isn't it? I recognize so much of me in T. I told this. And that's why I know what it means when you tell someboy "I don't want you to get hurt, not by me". It means "I don't want you, but if you are so available willing to be with me at any cost, then at least I told you this now, and then I won't be guilty for your sorrow or pain, don't blame me later". It's exactly this what is hidden in "I don't want you to get hurt". I said this many many times in my life. And I knew people would get hurt. But my mind, although knowing it was not OK, thought "ah, I told them, therefore I am not guilty".
I am not proud of what I did, but love is something you can't force.
I just wanted to understand what changed and why, since January 25th, when everything was so good between T. and me. On February 15th I had to come back to Germany. T. took me to the airport. Hugged me soooo tight. Told me on March 7th "nice talking to you... we need to set something to meet each other..." So, what happened??? What happened that I didn't get to know? I have no idea, but this rollercoaster of emotions is really very, very bad.
After my nervous breakdown yesterday - in a more or less calm way, but I knew it was a nervous breakdown -, I got to sleep well, finally, after many days sleeping between 3:20 and 4:20 in the morning... I finally slept at 11 PM yesterday. In vain up to the last minute I waited for an email from T., we got to know each other a year ago yesterday. But I knew it wouldn't come. I thought "sleep, and maybe in the morning there will be something in your inbox". No. There wasn't. I knew it.
Some things yesterday made me think... like my best friend says... she is divorcing... not because she wants... and I told her "keep the good memories" and she answered me "NO! If I keep the good memories, I will suffer to lose someone who made me so happy... I want to get attached to the bad, bad memories, to think 'I didn't lose anything, this guy made me suffer a lot, I am glad he left'!" This is what she normally says.
And you know what? Everybody has a different way, of course, and there's no right and wrong most of the times. So, let's say, if she thinks this is right and this helps her to cope with the future situation, fine! So, I started to think about her strategy... and found it good.
So, what I wrote yestertay... I miss the T. who made me extremely happy last year, the T. I knew last year... that T. I miss. The T. today is someone I don't know. I don't miss this behavior. This selfishness, this lack of interest, of care. I even would call impoliteness. I am getting support from my friends concerning my test tomorrow. T. didn't write a word. This person I don't miss, I don't even know.
But T. is the two of them. The nice and the bad one.
And I will try to think of my friend's words. To remember the bad things T. does to me, so to think that this kind of thing I'd better sweep out of my life.
I am a cheerful person, to whom friends come to laugh and get some advice and help... and I do it gladly. I don't want to cry and to be sad, inside my apartment, only thinking "is he going to write? When?" No. No, no, no, definitely not.
I know I wrote this now and it sounds positive. But I am a human being. It will be difficult to dettach myself from the situation in a second. But I will try. This is the first step.
Next step, anyway, is to get my luggage from his house. Ahhhh, why did I leave the suitcases there???? Why??? T. even accused me to leave the suitcases there just to see T. again. No! T. offered the place for this purpose. I simply accepted! T. misunderstood my words. I told "are you sure you won't have any problem offering me place for my suitcases? Because this means we have to see each other again". I meant "look, maybe you don't want to see me anymore, so, think twice, if this is so, then tell me and I won't leave the suitcases here". That was what I meant, but I didn't say so, I said in this other way "are you sure? It means we have to see each other again" and T. misunderstood it, thinking I was leaving the luggage there just to guarantee I would see T. again. So T. said "if you are doing this to see me again, then this is not the right reason to leave the luggage here. You should leave because you need the space".
Ah, wtf, like people use to say! WTF! I wanted to spare an unpleasant situation for T., to have to see me again, and embarrassement to me! T. always misunderstands my words. I guess T. thinks that T. is the most wonderful person in the world, that everybody wants to have T. It's the contrary. After some years of - I bet, I bet - this emotional rollercoaster T.'s ex-girlfriend left T. I don't want to be unfair. This has nothing to do with me. And I am sad for T., because she took their daughter together and now T. is fighting for rights T. has. But I must confess that after some time knowing T... and T. told me in February that after such a short period of time I got to know T. in a very good way... ("It's incredible how after a short period of time you got to know me so well, T.'s words.)T. was kind of amazed... or acting... I think T. was amazed with this. Yes, I know T. I normally know people, I had to study for this.
So because I know T. a bit, I started to think that T.'s behavior led this woman to do what she did. It's impossible to cope with this kind of character! Lack of care, lack of interest, T. only has one thing on his mind, and forgets that life is a balance and has so many sides!
Well, I tried to help T with advice and support, when T. asked. From now on T. doesn't need my advice and support anymore, so, I am not worth anymore, why contacting me?
I need to study very hard today to compensate what I couldn't do the other days. Thank you, Hawaiian, again, for your support about the test and to so many other friends who are contacting and helping me with positive vibes and words. This test is very important. It's kind of "now or never". With a good result, things will really be good and fast for me to finish the master's. With a bad result, I wouldn't give up, but the situation would be very very very complicated. So, as I said, it's now or never. I will study hard today. I need to.
My last sentence will go to my friend V.F., who during all these days is supporting me with nice words and thoughts. She told me this:
"The best answer you can give to people, is your success".
Yes. Let me do something now to achieve it. Have a nice day you all!!!!!!!
When I just wrote the title above, it reminded me of "Mr. T.", you all know, from films. No, I am missing T. I shouldn't. But I am.
London is my place, I suppose. I am happier there, I was happier there last year. Now, I am inside the apartment since Saturday afternoon, trying to study and I simply can't. I feel overwhelmed, tired, under stress... to top everything, professor X wrote me an email saying that he is doing a favor to "allow" me to have a test with him, he wasn't supposed to do so. Yes, please, I wrote a paper in which I put lots of effort and he says I didn't write it. I did, only it was for one and a half year ago, and now he wants to see if I know the topic. Com'on! I ask, why didn't he contact me a year and a half ago (when the topic was fresh on my mind!)to say he thought I didn't write the paper??? Is this what we should expected from professors??? Anyway, I swear I wrote that f%#*(ing paper (sorry for this word...) I really did, I never copy things! That would be a crime, plagiarism!
Anyway. London.
I miss London. I have more friends there, I have more fun... I knew it would be this way now, but I had to solve the things at the university. I don't feel so lonely like now, when I am there. Maybe it doesn't have to do with the city. Germany is super! But maybe with the things I have there: I miss when I walk(ed) with T., looking at the river... I miss when we went to the movies, I miss 2008 when T. was so sweet and nice... I simply miss it. I miss who T. was with me in 2008. Even in January now. Up to the 25th. I miss the way T. made me feel in 2008. I miss the person I was with T. in 2008. The way I was.
T. once told me "I will miss, to walk with you here... I will miss you..."
I miss when T. and I went shopping and T. walked in front of me and asked me to give my hand..
I miss when T. and I met at Covent Garden and T. always greeted me with a kiss on my lips, surprising me...
I simply miss T. But the way T. was before. Not this T.
But T. doesn't miss me. Or else, would you be silent on a Sunday off, a sunny Sunday in London, knowing someone who maybe was important in your life is overwhelmed, with an important test in front, feeling lonely, etc...? Would you be silent? No contact? On a Sunday? I bet if V. read this, he would love what I am writing. Yes, I did the same to him. But he was overwhelming. Wanted contact everyday, 5, 6 times a day, this was too much.
With T., we contact each other - now, me here, but even in London... - 3 times a week... in a good week. 4 times maybe... then the week is excellent. In a bad week, 1 contact. Maybe none.
So, on Sunday I expected something from T. We talked on Saturday and I got to know that T. was going to the gym, for the first time, didn't share this with me before. I would have been so happy to know this. But T. didn't share it with me.
It's Tursday, I don't know how the gym was, I was and am so curious... I wanted to call on Sunday, but I thought better not.
So now I am going back to London for a while. I regret I left part of my luggage at T.'s house. I need to take the 2 suitcases from T.'s place. As soon as I can. Then after that... Ok, T., do as you wish. A person who doesn't talk to someone who was important, I suppose I was, isn't interested, doesn't care about the person, if she is OK or not, needing support. And I do need support right now. I am a human being. I usually play the strong one, but sometimes I do need support.
I have support from some beloved friends... but it was from T., from T. I wanted some support.
I can still be me again, but right now this person who I look in the mirror is not me.
I would like to say "thaaaaaank yooooou" from the bottom of my heart to Hawaiian! Sweet Hawaiian, the way I call her! Your support here was always, druing all these years, something that I do worship a lot!
Thank you!
And exactly today a year ago, T. told me for the first time, our first contact... "I like your smile"... we got to know each other a year ago... 17 March, 2008... clearly T. won't remember this, why should someone you don't contact at all remember this piece of crap?
T. won't contact me today either.
I will try to study now. I need to. I am risking too much being the way I am now. Overwhelmed. I should make an extra, last effort to cope and get the things I came to get.
Please, wish me luck... I do need it now.
Sincerely, I need some opinions, but in fact I guess it's too difficult to give one when I don't really say everything here... anyway...
I need to study and I have no concentration. Days and days wasted trying to do something good, but knowing I wasn't able to retain the subject... on my mind... and then I didn't really study.
T. wrote me an email on the 6th, after I my blog's post, and I called T. on Saturday, the 7th. Friendly, funny, nice talk. T. finished with "I talk to you later" and I asked "today or what do you mean?" T. said "no, it's a way to speak. Not today". It was afternoon, why not calling me in the evening? No, that would be too much. Why, after all? We are far from each other for 29 days today. So, I am writing ironically, of course people who like each other would like to talk and know about the person... as I said, people who LIKE EACH OTHER. This is not the case. I like T., T. doesn't like me. This is my conclusion.
Now, honestly, I don't even know if I still like T. This personality and lack of emotions and consideration is a bit too much.
T. really has not so much consideration towards other people. This includes me.
Anyway, there was the whole Sunday ahead and I thought "maybe T. comes to msn, just to say hi to me... after all, a day off, we used to talk before... on Sundays..." No, not T., I guess T. enjoyed that I wasn't there and had a great Sunday - good for T. I don't exist on T.'s Sundays anymore... so, why contacting me on a day off, when people, I insist, who like each other want to know about each other and more than that, have time for each other, get happy because they have time for each other and use this opportunity?
No, of course this is not T.'s ideas. At least not towards me.
Anyway, T.'s email on Tuesday was "hi, how are you?" The weekly contact, like doing me a favor contacting me, not really willing to know about me, just to set the presence like "see? I wrote". The 4-letter-weekly-contact.
Anyway, as I always say, I thought "oh, com'on, at least T. made an effort and contacted me... this is T.'s way... you should be happy and accept it gladly..." Good, that was what I did. I answered saying that Thursday would be an important day to me and other things. like "I have some plans for the year and for life, but we have already talked about that".
Yes, I confess, I had what to say, I was eager to share what was going on in my life, but I know T. would care a damn about my speech, so, I didn't write more than that.
On Thursday then I got the Visa and wrote T. saying that. I was happy. It was the last time they renewed. But I was happy. One and a half year more in Europe, considering that the UK always gives me a 6-month Visa when I enter there.
T. wrote a nice friendly email on Friday (12th), early. Normally T. writes at 10 or 11 PM, but this time the email was written at around 8 PM. So, right after work, answering me. Not bad.
On Saturday, I didn't know what to write and decided to call. Good, friendly talk as well, "congratulations for your Visa, again and again" (yeah, OK), and T. was going to the gym. First time. Said "I need to lose weight". But didn't share this with me before. For sure T. went to this place before, to get registered. But didn't say a thing. Doesn't share important little things with me anymore.
The call ended with T. saying "I need to enter, I am outside the gym, we talk later, OK? In an English way" - it means, "no, not today. One day. Let's see".
I am not the jealous type. But immediately I thought about T. going to the gym to find another woman... I really had the feeling there could be a meeting (date) on Sunday... but maybe it's because I am crazy. And then we imagine and feel everything we fear.
OK. In vain I expected T. to contact me yesterday, Sunday. I had the feeling it would be again a Sunday like the previous one. No contact. No word, no email, no call, nothing. A whole day off. Why should T. contact me? A day off is to do what people like, isn't it? And T. doesn't like to talk to me on such a happy important day.
I tried to think about possible reasons for this, not telling me about the gym, apart from the one I always think (T. cares a damn about me).
Like "mmmhh, I said I will soon go to London, maybe T. didn't want to say anything about the gym, to lose weight and surprise me when I am there?" Or "we had kind of constant contact this last week", and so on. Bullshit, sorry to write this. Losing weight is for the person, for sure. But normally - it's true - people who want to find another one start a diet after breaking up... or even before breaking up. In our case, there was no breaking up. There was only the sentence that we were dating, in November, and in January or February my question "are we together?" And the "nice" answer "I don't know". This answer means "no". Of course. Otherwise people who want to be with the other say "yes!" Simple like this.
I am with mixed feelings. On one hand I think I should understand T. is obsessed by lawyers and the case about the daughter. T. almost only talked about that during my call. That moment I thought "jump out, you silly girl. This will always be this way. You will only be T.'s ears. To listen to that and give opinions and support."
What about my support to the important test I have this week? Nothing.
I confess it would have helped me, to get nice words from T. about it. Like all my true friends are doing.
And on the other hand I ask myself if I should wait a bit more to see how things go on, when going back to London to live there again. Like the way it was last year. Lovely. With T.
I know distance is bad. But there are ways to minimize it a bit. If the two people want. If they care. If not, why would someone mind? That's it.
I thought and thought and I don't know if I will have the courage. But I thought about getting my luggage at T.'s house (I have to, but I have luggage at other places and I wanted to get them before) and then I don't have to listen to anything about T. anymore. I guess this is what T. wants, or let's say, it doesn't matter if I exist or not.
It's T.'s crumbles what I get, this is what a friend told me. T. always told me that it was nice to be with me last year, because then T. could talk and put out of the chest the bad things that were happening in T.'s life at the moment. OK, I listened to T. and had consideration. Where is T.'s consideration towards me? I don't know if I am being fair. T. answered me questions about an Internet site I am assembling, a long email full of answers on a Friday evening (6th). I don't want to be unfair. But just a bit more contact... well, OK, being fair: a bit more contact is for the ones who like to be with each other.
I don't like to regret things I did in my life. I don't really regret being with T. last year. But I know I was doing something wrong to my university course. I should have used the second semester last year to do what I am trying to do now. I would have had a year and a half to solve the problem in Germany. Now I only have a year. And believe me, 6 months would have made a difference. Even T. told me when I was coming back to Germany "I am sorry for all the problems I caused to you". I said "no, I am an adult, it was my decision". This is true.
But why not avoiding problems in the future, by being nicer to me? Like before? No will, no will to go to msn to say hello, at least. T. said when I left "I apologize for all the tears you dropped because of me and also for the ones you will drop in the future - because of me". My God, apologizing for my tears in the future? Knowing that I would cry because of T. in the future? Instead of apologizing, one could do it better, trying to avoid tears to the one a person likes. As I said, to the one a person likes. So... clearly this is not the case.
And me here without any concentration.
I am quoting removal companies to get my luggage from T.'s house. And then... after that... I don't have to expect anything anymore, like it is now. I regret I left my luggage there, but there was nothing else I could do. I was leaving to the airport and T. prevented me "they won't allow you to travel with so much luggage". I knew it, but I was going to try... but T. was right and I had to leave things there.
A friend told me yesterday that we are with the people we have to be, like destiny, at least for a period of time - it means, for that period there's a reason why you are with the person. I guess I know the reason why I was (am? My God, I started to talk about T. in the past, like T. told me in July. I should have listented to him at the time) with T. What was the reason T. was with me, for T.? To have someone to distract T. a bit, to listen to T. I think so.
So, we both had reasons and when the reasons ended... there's no reason to be together anymore. I would still have at least 3 reasons. T... who knows.
I want someone who loves me and that I love too. Not like it always was. I always let the others love me, but I didn't love them. I said "I love you" because this was what they expected from me and then they would feel happy and in peace and we wouldn't have arguments. But empty words. I promised myself that the next time I say "I love you" I will mean it. Will I say it? Don't know.
But to finish the weekend... when I had lots of insights due to nice friends who talked to me about many things and I got good information... I talked to different people who fancy me... I didn't really want to talk, or I don't want to fool anybody... not after T., I learned this from T... but the conversations were really good... distracted me. It was good. I waited for T. And T. didn't talk to me. It was overwhelming. I needed to distract myself a bit. And I had nice conversations with the ones who wanted and liked to talk to me. This is how life works.
To finish the post... don't laugh and don't think it's a lie, because it's not... as much as it sounds like... I wish it were a lie, but unfortunately it's not... I got two marriage proposals this weekend. I had those proprosals before, so, they were more like insisting on the same point again. When I listened to them I thought "oh no. Please, don't say it...", but I only thought, how could I tell this to them. One on Saturday, one on Sunday. Not bad.
No, please, I am not messing around with anybody. These were previous relationships that still hope I can look at them the way they look at me, with feelings. I only thought of T. What I felt for them is probably what T. feels (doesn't feel) for me. At least I pay attention to these nice people, I worship what they feel. If someone has this kind of strong feelings towards me I have to give them some attention. I did this gladly! They are extremely nice people that enrich my life! I worship that people like to spend time and - why not to say - their lives with me! Even knowing I am... that distant... unreachable for them.
Should I forget T.? Tomorrow it will be our first anniversary... one year we got to know each other... T. doesn't remember this, of course. But I remember how nice things were last year... could they be again like that? I still think so. And on T.'s birthday, the first year we started something... I wanted to spend T.'s birthday so much with T... I have lots of lovely ideas for nice funny interesting presents... I am sure T. would love them!
But, no matter what happens, with or without T. life goes on. Always learning. Let's hope for the best.
I wish everybody a wonderful week!
It's raining here today. I have to study and I had such a headache, because of a disappointment I had with one of my best friends. Don't know if she is my friend really. I thought she was. I still think so, but the disappointment was huge.
I miss T. I really do. But the pain is not that terrible anymore. After almost 3 weeks, and above all, because of the absence of regular contact, I am getting cold little by little; I thought of the word numb again, but I think apathetic would be better. T. started to be a nice memory, like I always say. One of the best memories in my life.
Some people started to be interested in me and contrarily to the time I was with T., when I was closed, only saw and thought about T... I still do so... but this time I started to talk to people again. Again people started to say, because of my way of talking "you are wonderful" and again I felt so uninterested. I am not that wonderful, I said. Anyway, I don't like when people are clingy like V., and I don't like when people are distant like T.
There must be a balance, my God! When can I find this balance? Up to now it was always this way, either the first case or the second.
I wanted T. to be the balance. I do miss T., as I said before. I miss when we walked at night through the streets of that amazing city where T. lives, I miss when we walked at 1 A.M. on Christmas... and there was nearly nobody on the cold streets... I miss when we used to have dinner together and talked about so many things... so many interesting things... I miss when T. drove me home, when T. kissed me, hugged me spontaneously...
I don't miss crying because of T., like I am doing now. Thinking about all the nice things we did together and now I am here fighting for my goals, and T. is so far away... but we live in the year 2009 and there's telephone, skype, msn, emails... it's not like before, that to send news a person rode a horse and took three days to reach the other!
So, a complete lack of interest... I can't complain, T. was very clear in three different occasions.
November 2, 2008: I won't be with you, I'll be with my daughter;
November 27, 2008: I choose my daughter instead of you;
February 6, 2009: Are we together?, I asked. T.: I don't know.
But everything so ambiguous. On February 5 T. was saying that I could have a Visa because of h**, but then I could forget everything between us. Why this??? (And I don't need this from T., and I never asked. It was T. who suggested.) And I was about to ask "everything what T.? Everything what??? You said we don't have anything. Now this? So we have something?" How can I cope with this behavior...
Also, in December: "if you want to live with me, baby, you can forget about having anything with me...", saying we could be flatmates, but then I should forget about our relationship... but which relationship? I should have accepted to share a flat with T., because then it would be cheaper, I know T. cleans the house and I know T., so I can trust leaving my things there when I travel.
OK. Enough. I don't even know why I wrote this now. As I always say, time heals. It's kind of fast, I am surprised. Or maybe I was already prepared after so many pales of cold water thrown on me.
I know Hawaiian would say "don't get hurt", but Hawaaian, I am coping well. Don't worry. I just wrote because I miss T., and I wish I could be with T. now. But the reality is different. On the other hand, sad (for me) that T. doesn't want to be with me. Life is this way. And yet, life is great.
Have a nice weekend everybody!
Ah, this perfect song! I am about to post it here for daaaays, finally I got the strength from Hawaiian! As I said, she always has the right word at the right time!!!
Many people don't like Kate Perry, but I must say, this is really a good song... the lyrics are really so true - at least for some people. For T. Like T. once recorded something for me. It may also be that typical case of "The person is not that into you", like T. was last year (into me)... I don't know, I got to be much better, no expectations - like my grandmother always told me: "Don't expect from someone what the person doesn't have to give. The person is not polite, don't expect politeness. The person is not warm, don't expect nice words. And so on."
A wedding is not the ultimate target, like the video shows. But it was there just to show that at the last minute, still the guy was thinking... and thinking... (I must confess that if it would be a wedding I would think and think and think thousand times... I am so afraid of it... Then maybe I am not that much into a person???)
And there is something wrong. The priest always asks the man first. To avoid a situation like the video shows...
Well, anyway, the lyrics - every sentence - speaks to T. and me.
HOT 'N COLD LYRICS - Kate Perry
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over think
Always speak
Critically
I should know
That you’re no good for me
{CHORUS}
Cause you’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
You’re wrong when it’s right
It’s black and it’s white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don’t really want to stay, no
(but you) But you don’t really want to go-o
You’re hot then you’re cold
You’re yes then you’re no
You’re in then you’re out
You’re up then you’re down
We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now’s a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring
I should know that
you’re not gonna change
{CHORUS}
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can’t get off this ride
My dear friend Hawaiian, who always have the right word at the right time (thank you!) posted this lovely video... at the moment, I thought "oooohhh, is this a video for me at this time?" Yes, it is. I got very happy for all the happy couples on the video. And there was one... "not a real couple, but should be".
I remembered when I walk with T., T. up to a certain time always asked to hold my hand when we went shopping, and so on... and I didn't know what to expect, the first time after we first kissed... and T. met me and immediately kissed me on the lips... like a couple, you know?
Watching this video, I remembered all those nice moments...
Like in November, when T. said we were dating...
And then in February, that T. didn't know if we were in a relationship... this answer is clear, if someone doesn't know if he/she is in a relationship or not... probably not, then. What a pity...
Maybe not. I remembered a friend saying this "bad news... good news."
It means, nothing is in vain. We should learn from everything. And the bad news you think you are receiving today... may be that they turn into good news in the future... you know? Like if you have... I don't know... maybe an example (no, T. does not do this!), a partner that deals with drugs... and breaks up with you... you feel so bad, you love your partner, you cry and ask "why??? Why did it happen?" And after some months your partner is found dead, killed by a gang, and if you were together you would have been killed too...
Oh my God, what for an example... I am watching too many movies...
Anyway, here is the song... later I will post one especially to T...
Another film... With Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Very funny and very true. He loves her and she loves him. But he doesn't know what to do... or what he wants, after all, he said he was never in love in his life before... there are many misunderstandings between the two of them... she cries a lot, he disappears for six months, but they get together in the end. Nice film...
There is a scene that she plans to go with him to Paris... exactly what I was planning in the beginning with T... and T. also said something like this before... but after some time, T. changed h ** mind, the plans.
Alright.
Then she says to him: how can a person be intimate without being intimate?
Yes, how can someone be intimate with a person that doesn't want it? Simple: don't be in the beginning, be a bit later, - or try to -, step back when the guy shows what the film says, the title, the perfect "He's not that into you".
If a man loves you, he will take care of this feeling. If a man likes you, he will take care as well. If a man just exists in your life like... like if you were some pair of pants that the person knows it exists in the wardrobe, but it's not the favorite one... but mmmhhh, the person likes it, yes, why not... and from time to time wears it, just to wear, just not to leave in the wardrobe, to take some profit of what he has there...
----------------xxxxxxxxxxx-------------------
I was recalling nice times... when T. after the whole weekend with me, gave me a ride home and after that I said I wanted to go downtown and T. happily saying "I give you a ride!" And after that, saying "and if later you want to come downtown again, give me a ring!"
Good times...
When T. danced with me in a park... nobody there, dark, and we were dancing... when T. recorded on a device I gave "all the good things must end..." I said "no, you have to record something else!" T. recorded something funny later. The device the airport lady officer asked about later. I wrote it on a post.
I also recall when T. went to his country, that T. told me "I'm gonna miss you... what am I saying?" or when T. said "I'm gonna miss when we walk..." or "why don't you move... near?"
Or when T. gave me a nice candy and said "these ones I only give to the beloved ones..." and then I said "what????" Then T. said "to the ones I like". Or when I say "I love this song! I love this street! I love this and that..." and T. asked "is there anything else you also love?"
I said "from me you will never listen to more than this. I love MUSIC, I love DANCING... that's it".
Or "why are you going out with me? I'm ugly, you could have anyone..."
But I just wanted T.
--------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx-----------------------
I am getting open little by little again. I didn't want to. But I want to love and to be loved. Not like in the past, when I only let myself be loved. No. I also want to love. This time I thought it would happen, the two things together: to love and to be loved.
But...
-------------------xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx------------------------
And to finish the post I remembered a very, very good friend of mine who is, unfortunately having problems in her relationship... I was telling her that we should keep the nice memories... and she said "no! I want to remember the bad ones. So that then I get angry and think: good he is not in my life, someone like this, treating me like this, I didn't want!"
MMmhhhh... maybe a good way of thinking, who knows what suits each one better.
I went to T.'s country twice already, since I left it last year... after 22 days, for the holiday season and then on Jan 19 for my upcoming birthday. Now I am in the country I live at the moment, for 15 days... I remember when T. came back from holidays visiting the family, in August... and after 17 days we met... T. asked if I missed h**... and that supposedly I didn't miss, in T.'s words... and that I had to miss, to long what T. was doing when T. said that... and since then I miss it... it sounded like a spell... I guess it was...
I set to meet T. when T. came from the airport. It took me a while, because I was hungry and I went to a restaurant in the near of T.'s apartment to buy a take away food. I wasn't so late, but T. called me to ask where I was... I arrived... T. was in front of the building, kissed me without a word, no hello, nothing but an immediate kiss, amazing, strong and urgent... put his hands on my derrière... it was really nice...
But that was last year. Beginning, you know? Now... after 9 months we started something... I can't say a relationship, because T. is not into one, according to some of T.'s answers... well, it is still nice, but different... and I miss that moment in August...
I also remember that the first time I saw a comet... was with T., T. was driving in Essex... so nice... really nice memories.
The maximum time we didn't see each other since we... "began"? was the 22 days I mentioned. This time it will be more, I think. Already 15... I wanted to go this week. I miss my life there, the city... But I have extremely decisive things to take care at the moment. It's time to take care of myself. Nobody will do it for me.
But I got colder after that week with no news. It doesn't matter if now I got enough news. Well, enough... what is enough? Anyway, I got colder and I think it's better this way.
I do miss T. when everything is nice... I do. But till the time T.'s humor is really terrible... anyway, as I said: nice memories.
Today I saw someone from the past... and thought "it could have been nice... but it didn't happen". Like a dead end.
On the contrary, when I saw him I thought "oh my God, he turned to be ugly...". He is kind of always the same person, but... I don't know. I didn't even know why I was looking at him. I thought "yes, why?" I didn't feel a thing, and it's good.
Then also yesterday I saw someone else from the recent past... let's say, not even a year... I also looked at him and thought "nothing... no feeling at all". This is also good.
It's happening to me, towards T. We talked 3 times today. T. read my email... amazing, T. never reads emails... but T. is now often reading emails.
T. asked if the one who was talking (me) was me with my nickname or with full name. T. only calls me by my nickname. But at that moment, I was the one with full name, and I told T. The same, I asked, who is the one talking to me? The one with full name or nickname (I only call T. by the name). T. said the nickname. OK.
Cold call, where I didn't really know what to say, what to do... I didn't want to ask things, I don't really like to ask things... anyway, it's good. I know I can't wait anything from T., T. doesn't have these nice things like feelings inside. Maybe this is because of T., maybe it's because it's simply not me, who knows. Maybe T. will never love, maybe one day T. will. Who knows whom.
I just know that today I know what NOT to expect from T.
Anything.
But I just don't want to have a friend like T., with whom I had so many nice moments and they later two people meet and there is nothing anymore... only a cynical cold way of view, no, I don't want this. Either we have it all, me and T., or nothing. This is my idea. At least now. Strange is that I am a friend of some ex-relationships... it doesn't bother me... but right now... I don't want this with T... still, is T. an ex-relationship? Well, we talk, so, I guess T. is still present. Let's see for how long.
Today I read something very nice, from a Portuguese poet, Fernando Pessoa:
"Everything that happens where we live is inside us that happens; everything that ceases in what we see is inside us that ceases."
True, I suppose. But I must say that everything depends on the treatment... that someone gives to us. What someone wants or doesn't want from us. We need to see. I was always there when T. needed me. T. wanted it for sometimes, when needed. For the times T. didn't want, why thinking of me? Why calling or writing me? No.
I did everything I could to try to see and make T. happy. Everything I could, really. T. didn't want this, only sometimes. Things could have been so different... like in 2008... so beautiful... I was willing to be the warm person I always knew I was... but I never showed it to anybody. I really wanted to be special to T. But T. treated me in such a nice way... some months ago... and in February... not anymore. Since January 25th.
So, after this... I needed to see me. I see me now. I am starting to get open to new horizons again. I still would like to hug T. But as I said, I needed to see me.
Now it's D.'s post, not from Anne-Marie.
To say that once I wrote that parents have to take care of what children are watching on Internet, because almost all is free and children can easily access any site. YouPorn is one of the things parents have to take care of.
That was the meaning of my post. My surprise is that the mentioned post gets sooooo many visits like no other post, everyday. So the majority of people on the web are not interested in love, music, humor, fashion, history, art, it's basically sex. I am amazed. It's sure very important in life, but all the other things as well, aren't they?
"Yesterday I was surprised by two things. One, was that T. finally talked to me spontaneously, T. didn't read the email I sent and talked to me because of T.'s own will. Working very much, no time for execising, lawyers asking money for a case T. is in... 'at least it's only money they want from me', T.'s words... whatelse could someone want? I can't want anything, T. was very clear some months ago, what T. could and couldn't give, more than that, what T. never felt for me and wasn't willing to give.
Fine. I know, nobody can say I don't know. Anyway, T. could have told that to me in July, when I asked the first time. Told me only in November when I asked for the second time. And last time. Never will I ask that again, there's no need, I now know what T. is not up to.
Anyway, it's not an excuse. Just a line in the middle of the week would have been better and fine. But OK, now I know, and that's it. No lines, no news, no interest, that's all. Just contacting a 'friend' once a week (maybe even more than a week) when there's a gap between the very important things to do - I know I'm not important to T.
Anyway, I need to get my luggage and run away. I was thinking about going to London today or tomorrow, but I just got an email from one of my grrrr professors, to go to his office tomorrow. I asked T. if he had something to do on Tuesday evening, T. said 'no really' (sic, instead of 'not really')... and asked if it could be on Wednesday. Why? Why not on Tuesday? What's this 'not really'?
I don't really like it. I like clear things, not in codes that we have to decode. Well, there was not a code, not coming from T. 'Not really' and that is it. 'I don't want to see you on Tuesday or I can't' would have been the same; I can't ask the reason, although I was curious. Well, I barely ask things.
Nevertheless, I got beautiful roses yesterday. Such a nice surprise! A bouquet, red, red roses... I needed that, I confess. I was feeling so blue for some days and then... it cheered me up.
Maybe the way people told me I am, or was, cold. I know I have to fight a lot more to achieve my goals... and that tomorrow is a very important day to me. Very important. So, cross your fingers out there for me, I really need all the best and most positive energy one can imagine. Things are not easy, I need to solve them, and I will!"
Yesterday I got to know that U2 had a concert on the top of the BBc building... for free, in London... how much I would have liked to be there... not necessarily to watch the concert... but London, London... having dinner with T., or even not, since T. doesn't write for 7 days. T. definitely wouldn't like to have dinner with me, because if T. wanted, T. would have contacted me during the week. OK. We can't force feelings and we shouldn't expect things that people don't have inside themselves to give. That was what my granny always taught me.
I confess I imagined T. going out with other people, thinking of other people and kissing another woman, being happy or with a light feeling of the beginning... like it was between T. and I before... I confess the thought hurt me, but now I think: what can I do? Not much. People reading this post could say: write to T.! No. T. had to write me an answer for something important I asked, promised for this last week and didn't accomplish it. So, it's clear: no will of contact, so, why would I be invasive and contact T.? I also have my pride and let me get out of this story holding what still remains of it - the story and my pride. After I get my luggage that is in T.'s home... and I wish I can do it fast... then I will delete T. from my life. That's what T. wants, so I will make things easier for the two of us. Besides I asked T. if T. would kiss another woman while I am not there, and even more, of course. The answer was everything what a woman wouldn't like to hear. "I don't know". It was clear. That "I don't know" meant "I'm looking for someone I can love and I don't want you". OK. I just said that if T. did that, I wouldn't like to see T. anymore. But thinking about it now, clearly, doesn't it mean I shouldn't see T. from now on? That was clear after T.'s answer!
Look at the difference. I always told T. so: I don't want to kiss anybody else, I found what I wanted. Then T. answered my question with "I don't know if I will kiss other women or not". Great! Such a different view, from mine.
Our story could have been even more beautiful than last year. But T. can't and doesn't want to enjoy. T. likes to think of bad things.
Anyway. I wanted to write about a French film. T. hates French people, because of a French who made harm to T. Today I think that T. also made harm to this French one. Nothing can be seen plain, there are always two sides of a story. Even my story.
The filme is called Rumba. It plays with the politically incorrect humor. It's about two teachers who are in a dance contest. That's why the name Rumba. They are going back home one day and then there is an accident. A man is on the road waiting to be killed (suicide) by any car. They see the guy and deviate, but the car crashed. The suicide one feels bad because he didn't die and because the people inside the car could have died because of him. Fiona loses one leg and Dom loses his memory. The film starts the humor based on this development.
The sentence I most like... reading the review is:
They will never be the same, but this doesn't mean they need to be unhappy.
I will never be the same after T., but I need to let it go and I am trying my best to forget, so that I can laugh and smile again, like I always did.
Excerpt from Anne-Marie Limefield's book "Tomorrow"
One thing I can't forget. The way I was feeling when I just had my first eye operation. It was T. who lit my days. I am and will always be grateful for what T. did for me, the way T. made me feel. Unforgettable.
And many other amazing moments, and many other amazing things T. told me. When T. told me, when T. used to think of me and when T. used to speak to me.
The way T. made me feel and the way I made T. feel, according to T.'s own words.
A real... T. The best, not only good, but the best. Dizzy like having drunk beers, after my kisses (this is the way your kisses make me feel...) and I felt the same.
The... was the best and T. said "it's not because of you or me, but because of us". Like having chemistry. Yes. Definitely.
"You are talking about us in the past..." for things I said after T. told me one important thing in T's life. July 15 last year.
I will remember the first time we met after that kiss... and you took my hand and immediately kissed me...
I will remember when you put your hand on my leg, while driving... and when going back to London, that you used to drive slowly, just to enjoy the trip with me...
I will remember when you bought orange juice without bits, especially for me...
I have many good things to remember.
I am sure T. and I were so Ok together. That we matched. But... that is it. The nice things... I will keep within myself. The bad... I will try to learn from. I don't really like T's personality and I am sure T. doesn't like my personality either.
I am alive. I like to listen to music. I like to dance! I like to take care of myself and this includes my brain, yes, but also my image. I like shoes, why not?
I am less than 1 year far from my whole life goal. I even thought for a moment to leave everything to be with T., to live this feeling to its most.
No, not worth. Not anymore.
And T. would never like it.
So... live in peace T. Live in peace, really. What you did for and to me... good and bad things... will stay inside me. I will try to attach to the good things. You won't think about them. You will only think about the bad ones. And then you won't think of anything anymore, after a very short while. You already don't think of them and of me.
But live in peace T. I wish you get the things you want. The same way I will get mine. After all, we are fighting for our goals. I am fighting a lot here in Germany to achieve my goals. You are fighting to achieve yours.
I wish you are happy. I know you'll have someone in the future. I know I will have too. I know that my feelings for you are unique.
I know you don't have any feeling for me.
I know all of these and to keep my health I am stepping back, what you want, in fact. I wish you don't suffer when you meet someone who drives you crazy... like you told me in January. You never met someone who made you crazy for the person... you never had romance in your life... and I did all I could to give you that... at least I did up to the point I knew you would allow... because I couldn't really be a 100% me, you are so... traditional...
You never worried about anything concerning me. So, T... you always told me how good it was to be free. You are free. Enjoy the new experiences in your life.
I will go on fighting for my goal. And I could never really say the things that were on my mind. So, I won't miss it. This time, to share the good information I got.
And T... like I always had to say... sleep well.
Excerpt from Anne-Marie Limefield's book "Tomorrow"
