Today T. is in Paris, attending the wedding of a friend. I invited him some other times to go to Paris with me, but he hates French people - yes, for a special reason, and doesn't want to give money as a tourist to France... but his friend is getting married in Paris... OK that he didn't want to go to Paris with me, but I would be soooooooooo happy if he would have invited me to go with him to this wedding... but I knew he wouldn't, because I'm a nothing for him - a friend, a friend who he doesn't write often and I know it(before he did... when he really liked me... I know he did.)
So why a friend like this would invite another friend who doesn't mean much to the wedding of a friend? No, of course not.
Instead, I imagine him laughing and talking to people, being charming the way he is... I never saw him so thin like now (accordinbg to his information on Friday, when we talked by chance, after 11 days he didn't write or talk to me, and this, after I sent nice messages - at least for me. For him of course the messages were a burden.)
So... of course he would never invite me. Silly me. Stupid me. When I had a wedding of friends in June... and they know him... they invited him... I was IN his appartment (for some days) and invited him... he declined. Of course. He didn't want to have anything to do with me, going to the wedding with me, maybe having pictures... no way... and after all I went to his place and told how it was... he said people would speak another language, but of course we would all speak English with him...
Anyway. Last week I apologized on the blog and to Hawaiian that I promised I would never talk anymore about him here, but Hawaiian understood me, as usual, and it's OK. Writing about him and the things that make me bad and sad these days may be the right thing to do.
Ok. I confess I am crying everyday. I confess I start my days crying. I mean, I wake up, drink some water, watch the news... around 8 something I start to cry. Then I don't cry for the rest of the day. I try not to.
This for one week.
On Friday, though, after some things we talked... It's getting worse, I thought it would be better, but not. I cried in the middle of the night. And yesterday morning and afternoon too. And today morning, afternoon and evening. It's that he asked me twice how I was, on Friday... I didn't want to answer because I thought "after I sent you some messages and you didn't answer, you ask me how I am, and now twice??? You are not interested in this, otherwise you would have asked before!"
So I said that if he didn't mind I didn't want to answer his question.
So then he immediately answered that he was tired and was going to sleep.
OK, I know he works a lot. But he has time for French classes, sailing classes, skating classes (what I brought him to!), gym, bars with new friends, the whole weekend, emails... only no time to ask me before this "by chance chat" how I am or was. For 11 days. It really doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive.
Then, after this, the guts to ask me how I am!
No wonder I didn't want to answer!
Now, I thought about sending him an sms, to say "have a nice trip back to London tomorrow, have a nice party in Paris now..."
But I won't send, I have my dignity.
He wouldn't like, of course. It would "destroy" his party atmosphere.
I really have to think if I start a new blog... but I like this name here... the problem is that I don't like negative energy... and maybe an "ex-something" (particular situation, he wasn't my boyfriend but said that I was his girlfriend - arrrghhhh!) of mine is reading this blog from time to time... a very very stupid bad person...(sorry, I seldom say this about people, but that one deserves, drove me crazy in a bad way for ages! I wanted to get rid of him and he always came insisting) to whom I may have done the same T. does to me... yes, I know I am paying for my sins... let's see up to when, if there's a time "heaven" says I paid enough and can smile again...
But I simply don't want this "ex"... not exactly a boyfriend, I said before, someone I "was" with (nooo, not exactly) for some time out of pity... I didn't want to be with him, such a clingy, not civilized person... anyway, this silly naive guy really tired me so much, and now maybe he is reading this and getting happy because I am suffering.
Well, I have to live with this.
Anne-Marie Limefield
